remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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