i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
