Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
