On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize