hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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