our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
