just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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