My first STD was from a foam party
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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