My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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