You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
