Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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