at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Gay?
German.
Pity.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
