She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
