I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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