A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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