Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
