ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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