this beer tastes like vomit already
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
