Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
