So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
