Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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