I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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