So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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