By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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