take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
