if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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