How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
