why didn't you poke me back
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
