so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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