we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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