Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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