I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
