This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
