I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
