6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
