I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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