is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize