Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
