This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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