oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
