Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
