Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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