I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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