My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
