Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
someone owes me an orgasm
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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