STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize