My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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