And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
