I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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