you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
