I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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