I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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