how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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