she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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