it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
