Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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