did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
