i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize